All the bells seem to say, throw your cares away- Christmas is here!

Christmas Eve.I crawled into my most festive undies and pajamas and helped mom bake. I watched a christmas movie and listened to the Home Alone Soundtrack several times before getting into bed and writing this post. It is a mix of slushy-rain falling outside my window and my coca-cola christmas lights that are dangling lazily on my wall make my insides feel warm and comforted. Our small, decorated house smells like caramel and our christmas tree is sparkling quietly with its graceful white lights. I feel just like a little girl again, except I am sleepy tonight- in past Christmas eves' I would lay awake for hours, just staring out my window watching the snow fall, somehow dreaming of what the morning would bring. I smile at the thought of how many millions of children are in their flannel pajamas, sleeping deeply and dreaming of brightly colored boxes, shiny ribbon, and sparkly wrapping paper. 

As I review the past year in my mind, I realize it has been one of my hardest. I have managed to survive 2 broken hearts, a midlife crisis deciding my future, and a complete loss of figuring out who I was becoming as a person.  Tonight, all of

 that past seems so distant. Christmas eve only brings about warm thoughts for me and a soft, glowing outlook that grows brighter every hour of Christmas Day. 

My heart feels as full as the white, brightly light moon over the Christmas sky. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night! 

Free Marine Coming Home Cake

Today was actually quite incredible. So much better than I hoped it would be. 

I spent the day, walking yet again, through my favorite city in the world. Only this time, I was walking hand in hand with someone I had not seen in a year; and this someone was making my stomach do flips out of pure excitement. I don't think it was a set of romantic butterflys in my tummy, but rather they were present because this person was actually in my physical, human presence and their smile seemed so real to me in a way I had long forgotten. 

This person treated me like a princess the whole day- and it felt incredible. The idea of being well  appreciated and enjoyed by the opposite sex is a concept very foreign to me at this point in life. I soaked in every minute of its awesome goodness. It was strangely odd- I felt so comfortable with this person, it was like he had never left. Everything was the same and we were having fun together yet again, without a care in the world to who was around us. The waitress at the restaurant even had to come back 3 times to take our order because we kept talking instead of looking at the menu. 

I have a confession. I am a wee bit, um, physically desperate around the holidays. Not in a "I'll sleep with whomever, and lets head out to the bars, and I'll wear a barely there nothing at all shirt.." kinda desperate, but rather a "Wow, he is incredibly gorgeous and so funny and I can't stop looking at his lips right now" kind of thing. Does this make sense or do I just sound like a 14 year old girl looking at a picture of Edward Cullen? because I certainly hope not. That's not how it is. Back to the point- since the moment this boy picked me up for the day, I wanted to kiss him. Not really because I was romantically drawn to him, but rather because I was just so excited that this favorite person of mine was alive, back from Iraq, and doing so well in his life. 

However, I told myself i was a shallow girl who expected the stupidest things out of days and that I should keep a tighter reign on my desires. I also wondered if kissing this boy might mean a long period of akwardness; since he and I have never indulged in such behavior. To be completely honest, I thought he still might think of me as a crazy neive high schooler. ...

But there was a point when he looked me straight in the face and said, "I am kinda honored to be with you right now. All these people are looking at you, saying wow she is gorgeous why is she with him?" to which I was completely stunned...I felt so incredible in that moment. This boy wanted to be with me, at that exact moment. I don't get good feelings like that anymore. 

Long story short, I ended up getting the kiss I wanted from this boy at the end of the night, and it left me smiling for the next 2 hours. The kiss was perfect-slow, soft, and warm. Kissing is my favorite event of life; some people don't see it as a big deal but to me it is purely magical. 

The point of writing this all down isn't to say that I'm in love (which I'm not) or that I found love (which I didn't)  or anything like that- it's to say that Today, a boy that I truly care about made me feel like the single most important, beautiful girl on the planet. He treated me like a princess and made me so completely filled with happiness, I remembered what it was like to feel good on the inside again. Say what you want; that I'm desperate or pathetic or shallow; but the truth is, there is nothing better than spending the whole day with someone you care about, and at the end of it, receiving a perfect kiss. 

the end. 

In the Streets We're Running Free, Just Like It's Only You and Me...

Christmas in Indianapolis. Yet another post on

 how much I love this city. 

Last night I was on Monument Circle and the lights sparkled energetically like glitter nail polish- which was painted on the horses' hooves of course, for tourist entertainment. As I packed myself into the jammed 20 person Starbucks line, I sighed. There were four baristas pouring and steaming milk like madmen, yet they somehow managed to have a smile on their face and a sense of humor in their spirit. I was once again reminded on why I love Starbucks so much- no wait; scratch that; how I love the d

ifferent types of people that work at Starbucks. It's the melting pot of the world, drink wise if you think about it.

 Anyways, getting back to the point- Christmas. I have been feeling pretty down because the Christmas spirit just hasn't grabbed a hold of me yet.T The Christmas carols just weren't quite doing it and even the beautiful, white laced tree sitting boldly in the middle of my living room wasn't as amped as I hoped. But today- finally- Christmas spirit showed itself. I went caroling with some people at a nursing home; and suffice to say the singi

ng definitely wasn't up to par as is beach boys christmas. In fact, it sort of had the resemblance to the really bad "check into cash- we pay you now! jingle" on those awful commercials. However, it completely doesn't matter how it sounded- because the act of it was beautiful. After listening to the likes of Hark the Herald, Have yourself a merry little christmas, and Jingle bells, this adorable old woman gave me a hug and told me that Jesus loved me and she did too. Her eyes were streaming happiness; and I just knew tha

t the Lord definitely shows Himself in everyday life through everyday people. That's what Christmas is about isn't it? Not hot cocoa or warm cashmere sweaters you got 25% at Macys..its about the incredibly beautiful people you meet and the stories that they have--about what happened this year that brought them to this Christmas. As I was strolling downtown, mesmerized by the electricity and excitement in the air, I began to wonder about the people passing me on the sidewalk. What had happened to them this 

year? Where were they last Christmas? are they different or the same because of the actions of this year? Are they happy? 

Being inherently selfish in nature, I began to wonder the same thing myself. Here I was with my commercialized coffee and my Northface coat, yet I wasn't fooling anyone. At least not myself. I definitely was not the same person last Christmas that I am this year. Christmas Eve of 2008 found me at my ex-boyfriends grandparents house, getting teary eyed because they had made me my own stocking for the mantle. Oh, and he got me Tiffanys. We were destined to be together, forever right? Marriage was definitely forthcoming. HA! What nieve fools we are when we choose to see the world as we like it, not as it truly is. Really,

 sometimes there is a comfort in seeing the world as it is, not as it should be- because after all, that's reality. 

I am not bitter. I am hopeful. I am abundantly glad that we aren't together; and that I am not getting married anytime soon. Thank God almighty in heaven. This year, I've learned that you aren't everything you pump yourself out to be. It's possible

 to wake up every day and look in the mirror and not even know yourself. It is only when some tragic event happens- like failing out of nursing school or getting your heart broken by someone you loved all July; per say- to put it all in perspective and show you what you really want in life. Faith. That is what i have learned this year. Believing in something bigger than yourself, and having the courage to be annoyingly uncomfortable while you wait for God to show you what He- the big guy upstairs- is doing. I guess the simplest way to put it is lifting your hand to your mouth to put in what you think is a piece of mint gum, when it actuality is its juicy fruit and you are oddly- yet happily- surprised. You have no idea how it got in your purse, or in your possession for that matter. But it's different, and you acce

pt it. 

Sometimes I get upset that another Christmas has rolled around and love has yet again passed me by. I cover it up by telling myself that "you don't need a man, you are a strong independent woman who doesn't have any time for a 2o-something boys PMS moods." But then the other, quieter voice pokes it head out a little and says, Just wait. You know you do want to fall in love...just wait for the perfect time." Christmas, for some odd reas

on, makes me yearn for love. I see men in long dark coats walking out of Tiffany's and I wish for one second that I was the wife on the other end- celebrating my several years of Christmas with the man I chose to spend forever with. I am a stupid girl. I want to be in love but not actually wait or work for it. How selfish. If I think about it, it is actually a good thing to be love-less around Christmas. I have the overactive tendenc

y to be exaggeratingly excited about a boyfriend. I forget to look around and see all the other blessings I have. This year, however, my mind is occupied by friends and family and the beauty of giving service and caring for those who need it most. While being single is not only annoying but inconvenient as well, it has its beauty. I am starting to see this. 

I have no idea what lead me to write this post. Maybe it was the graceful snow falling outside my window combined with the halo-ish calming

 effect of fleet foxes. I have droned on about lifes situations as seen in sticks of gum and my woes of being single. I guess what I'm really trying to say in all this is that even though things in life hurt or seem hard and you feel as if you are more lost now than you have ever been, Christmas brings a new hope. Christmas wraps itself around you like a long blanket out of the dryer, embracing you to feel that everything is going to be alright- if only for a short season. It looks you head on, and gives you this strong sense of freedom and peace that you haven't felt in a long time. It makes you feel okay about being yourself again, be

cause after all, the Big Man created you exactly how he wanted you to be. He sent his son to save you from all your insecurities and fears, to raise you up and give you a fresh life that no other human alive could have dreamed of. 

And that my friends, is what I call the Christmas Spirit. 

Timely Faithful

Today, the Lord answered my prayer and showed me things that I definitely needed to see. First, my gmal sent me  200 buck check for Christmas, and now i have enough money to cover my IvyTech bill! Secondly, at awana tonight when a little girl came up to me, she recited titus 3:5. We read this at Bible study last night and I love it! How awesome God chose to show it to me again. Also 1 Corinthians 1:1-9. GOD IS GOOD and HE will continue to be faithful!

Sleepy time!

Possibility....

There’s a possibility 

There’s a possibility 

All that I had was all I gon’ get 

There’s a possibility 

There’s a possibility 

All I gon get is gone with your step 

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, 

You’re the only who knows 

Tell me when you hear my silence 

There’s a possibility 

I wouldn’t know 

Know that when you leave 

Know that when you leave 

By blood and by mean 

You walk like a thieve 

By blood and by mean 

I fall when you leave 

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, 

You’re the only who knows 

Tell me when you hear my silence 

There’s a possibility 

I wouldn’t know 

Tell me when my sigh is over 

You’re the reason why I’m close 

Tell me if you hear me falling 

There's a possibility 

It wouldn’t show 

By blood and by mean 

I fall when you leave 

By blood and by mean 

I follow your lead

Possibility by Lykke Li

Withdraw...

The day I failed nursing school was grey and rainy. The air was bitter cold- the kind of cold that leaves you still shivering an hour later. Everything about the day flew by in slow motion...it was as if I was watching a movie about myself outside of my own body. When the final was handed back and the tiny "73" was etched in pencil in the top corner, my whole body felt numb. Surely, this isn't my final- this was someone elses. Another Rachel's. Another 384376. 

But nope. This unforgiving piece of white paper with its insulting pencil sketches held the answer to what was my future in nursing school. "You didn't make it..I'm sorry.." 

The words just kept pulsing through my ear like a bad echo in a small hallway. 

I went for a walk to remind myself that life was still in constant motion- that I was still suppose to breath, put one foot in front of the next, to not look at my other classmates faces as they overjoyed about their recent success. Two years of hard work was destroyed by 100 questions in under 2 hours. Two years of waking up at 5:45am, writing care plans, looking up hundreds of drugs, cleaning up poop from every body part imaginable. Two years of playing bingo with the old people, changing bandages, giving insulin shots, and watching jeopardy for the hundredth time. Two years of going to the nursing home at 10:30 at night to re-read the chart, write down some facts, and wake up to find I was the one who needed help, not the patient. Two years.

I'm not sure what I'll do now. I guess this is one door closing so another can open. All I know is that I have never felt so completely inadequate about anything else in my life. There is no playbook for failing. Failure is not an option.  I have no "next" plans. I have no control. 

All I know is....

I have to keep going. 

I have to keep living forward. 

Because the best....

is yet to come. 

 

Morning Thunder

Things I like:

Snacking- like tonights' feast of cheezits, hot tamales, peanut m&m's, and black coffee.

Watching season after season of army wives, friends, or grey's anatomy with kristie. 

Wearing my leopard-print rain boots with the hot pink laces

Knowing my family has my back

the candy apple, fall autumish red polish i painted on my nails today. 

Things that annoy me: 

When my roomates ( kristie excluded) NEVER clean the bathroom

NEVER do the dishes

almost NEVER pick up their crap

HARDLY EVER ask how my day was

menstrual periods

the calories that came with tonights' feast 

how i've had trouble falling asleep

how i wish i had more money to help my family out. 

how i wish i would have never let him go- even though i know it was the right thing to do. 

Okay, now that I got those frustrations off my chest, I feel better. Phew. PMS moment over.  

I've got an itch to go Vintage Shopping...

So I'm back in college town. 

It ceases to amaze me how incredibly boring and ugly this place is. There is no creativity,

the streets are not alive, and everyone is walking around with those brown $13 back packs. ick.

HOWEVER....

I just moved into the new apartment with my roomates, and things are prettty awesome. 

The roomies are great, we set up the place real nice and earthy like, and for once, i kinda 

feel at home. The nights are spent drinking coffee, watching chick flicks, procrastinating homework, laughing alot, candy, and of course, dance parties. 

My bamboo and jade plants, Mimsy & Harriet, made the trip just fine and are enjoying their

new spot, next to my picture  of LUNA record shop and a beautiful Guatemalan woman I once knew.  

I really miss Indy. I miss the sights, sounds, smells, and alive feelings that exist when I am there. But in the spirit of remaining peppy....

DANCEPARTY!

to this song....because Baby, I'm BulletProof :) 

<<://linkattached//:>>

May the Fuzzy Memories of your Future keep you Warm

Reasons I am Sad/Upset:

Summer is over.

True love never works out for me. ever.

I have a cankersore in my mouth.

I don't get along with my dad. at all. ( at all.)

I feel like I'm not doing much with my life.

I have to go back to college, which i hate. loathe, actually. 

Reasons I am Happy:

I got my pictures developed today.

I listened to Oasis' new song and really liked it.

I got a black urban hat with sequins today.

I drank alot of coffee. 

Reasons I am still Bleh, Ick: 

I feel as if I am an adult, still being treated as a child. 

I do not need told what to wear, listen to, or what my bedtime is. 

I am very frustrated. 

This is not an act of rebellion on my part, but rather an evident truth that is easy to see to a party all except for one. 

Trying to stand up for your own personal thoughts and ideas while being treated like you are

immature, foolish, and overly-emotional is difficult. 

Living in-between the lines of obeying in order to keep the cash flowing or going broke bc of personal expression is a hard line to walk. I have chosen the former, seeing as it was the wisest thing to do concerning the bleak outlook of my economic standpoint at this current time. 

I am looking forward to the day when i will not only be treated as an adult, but also as a mature individual who has beneficial outlooks on life and is admired for her courage and boldness in wise decisions, good relationships, and an adventurous future. 

this makes no sense to anyone but me. oh well. 

"Yep, We have your Car..."

It has been quite a day. 

I woke up at 4 am and went to work at the Murat Theatre- one of my absolute favorite places in Indy. I forgot how peaceful the world is in the 

wee early morning hours...i loved it.

 Today's event was the American Cancer Society "Making Strides" Against Breast Cancer Kickoff Breakfast. Amo

ng the people sitting at my tables were executives of Rolls Royce, K 105.7, and Miss America 2009! (yes, she was gorgeous.) At one point in the event, I actually got teary-eye

d, because they asked all the survivors of breast cancer to stand up, and many many women rose proudly to their feet with a look of bravery. It was incredible. We also got to wear these really cool breast cancer fighting pink clips on our

 jacket :) 

After work, I walked across the street to Mass Ave, where I slid into starbucks and ordered an apple fritter and pike place black hot coffee. I read the paper, then sat in the window and watched all the people walk up and down the street. It was a beautiful day- people were smiling more than normal today. Next, I went to Global Gifts. I love this store because everyt

hing in it is fair trade, so you know your purchase is going towards actually helping someone in a foreign country. Plus, their free coffee samples rock! 

I strolled across the street to LUNA, where I was given a free MuteMath poster, which completely made my day! I love LUNA- i feel so alive the minute i walk into its doors. I would love to spend hours in a day searching through old record stores. Anyways....

I walked down the avenue to go home...when i realized...Simba. Was. Gone.

My Mighty-Lion-ManCub-KingWarrior had been towed! 

After calling the towing company, I walked to the CityMarket, found an ATM, and then

asked for directions to the towing place. 

15 blocks later, sweaty, feet covered in blisters, I found "Last Call! Towing Service". 

10 minu

tes and $95 later, I was blissfully reunited with my handsome Simba. 

After that, the day was kind of a blur. I went home and read some news. I did some laundry and drank alot more coffee. 7:30 was Orchestra Practice, which i actually enjoyed tonight! Yay flute. Then, s

omeone came over and surprised me with my favorite- Diet Chocolate Coke :) 

As I write this, I am feeling freshy-skweaky clean after my shower ( i smell like irish spring clovers!) and I am getting ready to hit the sack- falling asleep to Landslide by FleetWood Mac. Such a great song- one of the absolute classics of life. 

I was thinking earlier that I am pretty sure no one ever reads my blog. I think I am the only one who knows it exsists. But then I decided I don't really care.  I LOVE writing, and I do it for myself. So if no one else reads this, it's okay, because it felt good to write :) 

Welp, thats about it. The song just changed to Amber- another one of my absolute favorites. 

What a day. Despite the towing thing, I'd say it was really good. I am savoring these last days of summer with every ounce of energy and excitement I can. I put these good summer days away inside, so that when I'm sad at school, I can pull them out and daydream about them again. Because in my heart, mind, life- it is ALWAYS  summer :) 

Wish I Had A Mango Tree

this song is just so good....

i love the acoustics

I wish I had a mango tree 
In my backyard 
With you standin next to me 
Take the picture 
From her lips I heard her say 
"Can I have you?"
Caught up on what to say 

i said you already do...

I said you do 
I said you do 

Through my eyes I can see 
A shooting star 
Weavn its way across the sea 
Somewhere from mars 
Down the street we would run 
To scratch our names in the path 
Young and free in the sun 
Wheels upon the tar 

"Can I have you?"

I said you already do... 

the Thought Bank

Okay this is hard.

Really, really hard.

A lot harder than I ever thought it would be.

I'm sad. 

I find myself still missing someone.

Why do things in life have to be so hard?

Why is everything so complicated?

Driving home tonight, I was riding down the

interstate with the windows down and radiohead blaring.

I came up with this idea to help solve the thoughts of misery floating in my head.

I developed...the Thought Bank. 

the Thought Bank is a place where you take your sad, weary thoughts that are hurting your heart

and you simply-deposit-them-in-the-bank. Then, you pick happy, appealing thoughts that

make your heart feel better and give you a more uplifting outlook on your current situation.

After time goes on and you begin to feel better, then you can return your happy, appealing thoughts for regular everyday life thoughts that are still entertaining. 

Lastly, when something extraordinary & amazing happens, you are so full of happiness that you return to the deposit box you put your sad, weary thoughts in and pull them out. You review how hurt and sad you were, and then you compare them to how happy and incredible you feel now. This makes the extraordinary moment you just experienced in your life even more awesome. Sound complicated? It's really not. After you compare, you simply dispose of your sad, weary thoughts or keep them in the deposit box for reflection.  There you go. that's the idea of the Thought Bank. 

The only problem is.....I haven't experienced that extraordinary& incredible moment yet.

I'm still hurting.

I'm still missing.

I'm still trying to get past it all. 

So the only thing thats in my deposit box are my sad, weary thoughts.

But I'm hoping that someday

somehow

somewhere

I will get a phone call, visit, or something that gives me my incredible moment.

That makes me feel so completely happy I will never forget it.

I won't hurt

miss

or

need to get past it anymore. 

Until that day....I am trying to be content. I am trying to accept life at it's face value. I'm trying to see the beauty in life every single day.  Because life is beautiful...incredibly beautiful.

And someday....

I'll be walking my happy thoughts

into

the

Thought

Bank. 

Streetlights

"Don't be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again after moments or a lifetime is certain for those who are real friends...." 

-Aw.P.

House of Cards

no matter how it starts

no matter how it ends...

Mejor & Peor- (Best & Worst List of da Week)

<>

BESTS:

Best Song- Midnight Sun by the Sounds

Best Food- Jasmine Mint Organic Rice. yummm.

Best Fashionista- Urban Outfitters

Best Nail Polish- Black is Back by niicole

Best Place- Pastello de la Castellana - live music at night, great streets cafes, etc. 

Best Book- "Your Personal Financial Study Guide to Success" - i need this badly

Best Candle- Flores Lilas- burns for hours

Best News Website- DrudgeReport.com

Best Movie- Hook. RUFIO!

Best Yoga Move- Stick Pose to Extended Bridge

Best Paint Color I've made so far: Teal-aqua-swirly-white-awesome-ish

WORSTS:

Worst song: Hey There Delilah

Worst Food: Mushrooms, of course. sick. 

Worst Fashionista: Hollister. gross. so uncreative. shorts that don't cover my butt are lame. 

Worst Nail Polish: metallic blue. matches with nothing.

Worst Place: School, sitting in nursing class.  Grey walls. Monotone. Sounds like jail,  right?

Worst Book: Quite possibly the one I'm reading now- the Client. 

Worst Candle: Pumpkin Spice. just smells like beef. 

Worst NewsWebsite: New York Times.com

Worst Movie: Ever? the Hulk. Right now? Neverwas.

Worst Yoga Move:  the one where I can't reach my toes

Worst Paint Color I've made so far: 

none, b/c all colors are pretty. Except my grey was pretty ugly. 

But I have to end with another best, in keeping up with a positive demeanor: 

BEST DRINK EVER: coffee. duh. 

No One Sleeps When I'm Awake....

Once again, fate has delivered me a song that is completely beautiful....

by THE SOUNDS

<<://link attached://>>

I've seen people losing all of their faith
before they knew what they were looking for
I swore I'd never ever do it again
till this day

Words are all I have to give to you
you never seem to see it my way
Standing in the shadows I hear
people say


I've got confessions to make
listen up
no one sleeps when I'm awake


The dreams I dream
the song I sing for you
they're coming from my heart
is my message getting through?
You know it hurts so bad
just like i knew that it would
but I'd do it again
I'd do it again if I could
I'd do it again if I could.....

I don't think you know what it's like
you should be careful what you're wishing for
and try to set your ego aside
you will find
a false piece of mind
you fall behind
and everybody's getting tired of you
standing in the shadows i hear
people say

I've got confessions to make
listen up
no one sleeps when i'm awake


Hey 
i want you to know ....
'Cause the dreams that i dream
and the songs that i sing
when I lost myself and a different meaning
Shot down and post, imagine although it's
hundreds of dreams
they can place around you....

Cause No One Sleeps When I'm Awake...

incredible song. 

Breakfast at Tiffanys...

We all have icons. Certain people who we admire, uphold, and even consider righteously epic. 

Audrey Hepburn is mine.

Her look as a complete whole is fascinating to me- 

she is everything beauty. 

I love her poised posture, 

her strikingly groomed features, 

her boldness in accesorising, 

and her witty smile that just slightly curves up to let you know that she doesn't take life too seriously...

Even in her early morning wake up, she is absolutely beautiful.

So decadently  elegant. 

I only dream of being that fabulous...

Of being a woman who, when she walks in a room, is immediately known as a lady...

However, i am happy being me. 

I'm just saying...if I could be anyone else...

it just might be you, Audrey.

It just might be....

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone..." 

-Audrey Hepburn

Plans

"I once knew a girl in the years of my youth, with eyes like the summer, all beauty and truth..."

http://link attached-//

Yep. 

 

Mynokos

If possible, I am more confused about life today than normal. 

So many thoughts keep running through my head- although I should stay staggering, because everytime a thought begins to race, it trips over an ugly grey stumbling block also sitting on the left side of my mind. To relieve a heavy conscious, some people do good works, take a hot shower, or eat alot. I am simply drinking coffee from Bali and listening to Fleet Foxes, since they seem to be singing about something so indescr

ibably beautiful that i could never begin to understand it. And that's what life feels like right now. I feel as if I have done the right thing, yet  extremely sad because it was very painful on my heart. I realized my actions, no matter how good they were intended, can be very hurtful and un-loving. That just makes me pissed at myself. But i know i have flaws 

that can only be fixed by learning from others and God teaching me from my mistakes. There are so many things about the human emotional life that i find fascinating and complicated. No matter how hard I would try to explain to someone that I care about them, words would never suffice. It's like my mind makes up a second language that is felt deeply, but not able to be uttered in any audible language. I wish this someone could know how i feel about them in another way besides my inadequate words which i fail so greatly to say. I wish this person could know that I believe in them so deeply and that I see them doing incredible things later in their life. This person has such a large fervor for the cause of humanity- its as if he sees the best in people and seeks it out, only to show others the best of himself in the process.  That is a rare gift that not many people in this world have...and that's what I was so drawn in. 

This day has been spent thinking of memories I have with this person, praying for answers or guidance, and lastly...remembering the first time I met them. 

Its hard to explain to someone that you feel so much for them but yet you can't be with them. 

For once in my life, i been shown something true ( that God is real and He wants the best for everyone- they just have to believe He exists and take His deliverance in faith- He lets people choose what they want to do, and that is the beauty of it. That last part is a concept lost to so many people who look at Christianity as another means to an end)  and I refuse to give up anything for it. I am committed to how I believe I am suppose to be living life..and sadly, that doesn't include this person - at least not right now. How I wish it did. But i know it is for the best....

I guess another thing i am concerned about it that this person walks away thinking that I viewed myself as "better"than them because i found God in a different way that they haven't experienced. That could not be further from the truth. I am flawed in so many ways its unimaginable, yet I know the purpose of living is to serve others, love others, and learn from the people that i meet. I only wish this person would give God a chance to show them who He is. A chance to see that God is not some "holy" thing that people use just to feel comforted and self righteous with abundant answers. He is so incredible. But I can't chose for this person, and I respect this person choosing for themselves- no matter what their choice may be. 

I am sitting on the floor in my room, finding it unbelievable that i've had my heart broken twice since February. The first time was somewhat my fault and I should have seen it coming. I accepted treatment that I shouldn't have taken. But the second time, it was no one's fault really. Well, maybe it was mine again. I made the choice that kept me from delving into a relationship I so desperately wanted. It's funny though, even though the first breakup was the result of a year's worth of time, money, and effort, I am more heartbroken about the second. Much more so. My stomach is tied ropes, my eyes sting with wet hotness when I think about it, and that strong, towering wall of emotional stability feels unimaginably weaker. 

 I guess to end all of these ramblings, which might seem completely incoherent to everyone else but myself,  I should say that I am bittersweetly sad. Throughout this whole experience, i have learned what love truly is. It is wishing for  that someone to have the best life possible, to be extraordinarily happy, and to be content with knowing that someday, they will be with someone great- even if it's not you, and even if you never get to see this all happen for them. Love is never expecting anything in return. Love is believing that life is still so incredibly good, even when it doesn't turn out how you expected. Love is accepting things that are so immensely difficult and heartachingly painful, and getting up the next morning thanking God that He is still there and that He will never leave. Ever. 

I don't know where to go from here. But i do know that this has been one of the most incredibly stretching and painful summers of my life- and i wouldn't change it for the world.....

Time for some more hot coffee and some Coldplay....

Rachel 

"I'm the Rule, Not the Exception...."

I figured out something last night as I was cleaning up after the wedding.

I watch too many chick-flick, girly love movies- 

and presume thats how real love in my life should be.

It's my own fault. I know that.

I wish for fairy tale endings, and don't see the reality that:  Fairy Tales Don't Come True.

You know what I'm talking about, right? 

In movies, books, songs-

When the guy & girl have been distant for whatever vague reason

not speaking

not seeing eachother

denying the feelings that just sit inside 

like a heavy winter coat on a hanger?

They both go on with life, assuming

that the other person has forgotten them,

removed them from their daily thoughts,

and pursued the next desirable thing in life. 

Heck, one of them might even be angry with the other...

But in the end...

In that fairy tale end...

The stronger person always comes back for the other.

Its like in the movies, when the girl is leaving work, a party, whatever...

and she sees him standing there.

And it's the last thing in the world she expected.

But it's the moment she dreamed of for months. 

But there he is, waiting for her, telling her without words

that he missed her and just wanted to

see

her 

again. 

With one look, they both know that they want to be together 

that in a crazy, unstable, indescrible way that makes absolutely no sense,

they are in love. 

And that is what i find myself wishing for. 

Stupid, right?

Because that only happens in the movies.

Because fairy tale endings don't exist.

Because I'm the Rule, Not the Exception...