Its Almost Been A Year... and I Still Miss You...

Can you still be in love with someone you haven't seen in a year? I mean, I know that almost sounds like a silly question, but I know that it is on thousands of peoples minds everyday.

And is it really love? Or is it just loving the idea of them?

If they were to stand in front of me right now- would I embrace them and know that this

is what my heart has truly been longing for? Or would I akwardly stand there, staring at them and thinking, "Oh crap....I don't even know what I feel! ...." as the bricks stacked up in my stomach?

These are questions I ask myself every single day. They float in and out of my head subconsciously, almost like small cars driving by aimlessly on the freeway of the paths of my mind.

The scariest question of all is the last one that lingers on my brain...halfway hurting me and stinging that part of my heart that never seemed to mend on its own: Do they still think about me??

For once in my life, I have reached a crossroads in my in-idealistic complex. After one year of facebook stalking-finger on the buttons about to send a late night text-listening to the same Radiohead song over and over again- eating the same flavor of ice cream we once shard- and reading through letters that were once written so beautifully-is it possible that I am in love with this someone without speaking or seeing them for an entire year....or am I just absolutely crazy?

I chose to believe the second. I know, in the cold bitter reality- that this person neither thinks of me nor remembers me. That this person has moved onto great things and devoted themselves to bettering the world by a goodwill-paying-it forward of some sort. But a small part of me, the warm desiring part- wishes more than anything that they still saw my face in their mind when they found themselves alone, missing good life.

I can never be with this person. Despite how much I care for him or wish to smell him of summer once again or see how cute his face is when his nose wrinkles and his eyes light up behind those aviators..despite the red flecks in his hair when the sun hit or the way his laugh always ended softly, as if to say he was completely content with life at that very and present moment- I will never be with him. I have known this since the day i have said goodbye. Yet everyday, especially today, it seems to wake me up. That soft, sad, docile ache that constantly reminds me of my love for him. Its like a tiny splinter that is barely noticeable until you start picking at it....and then....its all you can think about.

I want the best for him. I want him to marry a beautiful girl who loves him more than I ever could and gives him children that scream with delight when he walks in the door from a long day of work. I want happiness in every way for him. I want him to find himself and find that incredible greatness of a God who loves him and will never..ever..let him down.

A wise person once said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder..."

What a remarkable quote.. because the way I feel....

I know it was..or maybe still is....LOVE.

Secrets

Is really life what you make it? If so, then I'm not much of a creator.

Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra

Tonight I went to the Stella Artois Happy Hour at the Indianapolis Symphony...and it was breathtaking. My favorite conductor, Steve Hackman, had arranged several orchestral arrangements of John Mayer's "Heartbreak Warfare" and even did a rendition of Coldplay's Fix you complete with the harp and saxophone. INCREDIBLE.

Here's to you, Indianapolis Symphony Orchestra...for filling my heart with such beautiful music tonight I thought it was going to burst. For music that brought warm tears to my eyes.

For beauty cradled inside a the end of a busy day.

For life, being exactly what it is.

Tragically Boring

I havent written a post in so long because no one ever reads them. I kinda kept some of my resolutions. Sorta. I completely don't care about Joey right now, I can officially shower with the door unlocked (on a good day) and i stopped my online shopping.

I also have lots more crazy dreams and nightmares, drink more coffee, and wake up excited to meet new people.

I am so done with the snow and cold.

That is all for now.

Goodnight to all, and to all a goodnight.

New Years Resolutions, also known as a Hot Jumbled Mess...

I know I am only one of millions of Americans who make New Year's Resolutions. Yet, despite the cliche, I still feel the need to jot a few down. Will I keep them? Yes. Maybe. Probably not.

Hot Jumbled Mess List of 2010:

1. stop locking the bathroom door when I take a shower. Repeat to self, "there are no creepy men in your house, and they are not going to rape you. Now shampoo up with bravery."

2. Quit checking my email inbox or facebook every 2 hours, hoping for some grandeur message from Mr. Madly In Love with you Forever.

3. Make an honest attempt to wear any other footwearbesides my Uggs and running shoes. Yes, Rachel, it is possible to wear your tom's and high heels in the

winter.

4. Not despise myself for wearing Uggs everywhere.

5. Visit the Art Museum of Chicago and see Edward Hopper's Nighthawks painting.

6. Run the Indianapolis Mini Marathon without dying. Crawling to finish line is acceptable.

7. Make power of attorney will on legalzoom.com when I do die from running so far. Betrove my audrey hepburn collectible dolls to mallory, my teddy bear to mom, and my black and white hand illustrated peter pan book to isaac. Oh, and my bob marley record I found for $2 to eric.

8. Not flirt with the barista at Starbucks, even though I know he is openly gay, for an extra shot in my already adrenaline jolted/cocaine induced/ Venti Americano. (but hey, it works, doesn't it?)

9. Pick out shampoo, conditioner, and body lotion all out in 2 minutes, as opposed to my 20 minute aisle standoff..."This one says extra moisture, but this one makes my hair smell like jolly ranchers!!!"

10. Manage my online spending and shopping habits.

11. Not hate myself when I spend extraordianous amounts of money on oversized sunglasses, large dangly earrings, vintage awesomeness, and strange sparkly ice skating outfits that i secretly dream of wearing out on the ice. (they never seem to

leave my room though.)

12. Figure out what the heck I'm suppose to be doing in life.

13. Assure myself that it's okay I don't know what I'm doing in life and go back to reading Charlotte's Web, which is most comforting.

14. Not text Joey, Mr. Gorgeous Right Now, flirty texts that I feel hint at seduction but rather come off as sad attemps of a 14 year old girl trying to meet one of the Jonas brothers.

15. Remind myself to avoid all boys and possible avenues of romance, repeating over and over, "you are a strong independent woman and you do not need a man to complete you!"

16. Not feel ashamed when I devour a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's after watching a chick flick, and telling myself the harsh reality is that I am completely single and the only guy who calls me is Big Mike, a guy I worked with one summer at camp; he tells me of his endearing love for me in the midst of a drunken ramble and his devoted mission to spend days with me on a beach. He is in the Army. In Louisiana. Oh, and he smells like old cheese. Never, ever going to happen.

Put down the spoon, rachel.

17. STOP FLIPPIN' RESPONDING to Joey's texts with flaming lame flirtatious answers, like I'm doing right now.

18. Write letters- real ones with recycled paper and stamps and ballpoint ink-or crayon- to the people I love and admire in my life.

Also to Chris Martin and my undying love for his music. and him. OH! and what

I might say to Marilyn Monroe or Jimmy Page and Robert Plant from Led Zeppelin.

19. Have a love story exactly like 500 days of Summer, except we end up together in the end.

21. Do random acts of kindness for complete strangers. Friends and family is fine too

22. Keep green plants alive for more than a week- i think, just maybe, it can be done.

23. Know random facts of knowledge, such as the world's highest mountain, the longest amount of time a piece of gum was chewed, the temperature of spring in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania, and a variety of costume stores all within a 45 mile radius. Bring these facts up in conversation when things are akward, nervous, or just plain completely

boring.

AND DUN-DUN-DAH-DAH.....DRUMROLL PLEASE.....

the last resolution I have is...

24. Achieve world peace.

Just kidding. But really. Oh, stop biting my nails.

Here's looking at you, 2010.....

All the bells seem to say, throw your cares away- Christmas is here!

Christmas Eve.I crawled into my most festive undies and pajamas and helped mom bake. I watched a christmas movie and listened to the Home Alone Soundtrack several times before getting into bed and writing this post. It is a mix of slushy-rain falling outside my window and my coca-cola christmas lights that are dangling lazily on my wall make my insides feel warm and comforted. Our small, decorated house smells like caramel and our christmas tree is sparkling quietly with its graceful white lights. I feel just like a little girl again, except I am sleepy tonight- in past Christmas eves' I would lay awake for hours, just staring out my window watching the snow fall, somehow dreaming of what the morning would bring. I smile at the thought of how many millions of children are in their flannel pajamas, sleeping deeply and dreaming of brightly colored boxes, shiny ribbon, and sparkly wrapping paper. 

As I review the past year in my mind, I realize it has been one of my hardest. I have managed to survive 2 broken hearts, a midlife crisis deciding my future, and a complete loss of figuring out who I was becoming as a person.  Tonight, all of

 that past seems so distant. Christmas eve only brings about warm thoughts for me and a soft, glowing outlook that grows brighter every hour of Christmas Day. 

My heart feels as full as the white, brightly light moon over the Christmas sky. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night! 

Free Marine Coming Home Cake

Today was actually quite incredible. So much better than I hoped it would be. 

I spent the day, walking yet again, through my favorite city in the world. Only this time, I was walking hand in hand with someone I had not seen in a year; and this someone was making my stomach do flips out of pure excitement. I don't think it was a set of romantic butterflys in my tummy, but rather they were present because this person was actually in my physical, human presence and their smile seemed so real to me in a way I had long forgotten. 

This person treated me like a princess the whole day- and it felt incredible. The idea of being well  appreciated and enjoyed by the opposite sex is a concept very foreign to me at this point in life. I soaked in every minute of its awesome goodness. It was strangely odd- I felt so comfortable with this person, it was like he had never left. Everything was the same and we were having fun together yet again, without a care in the world to who was around us. The waitress at the restaurant even had to come back 3 times to take our order because we kept talking instead of looking at the menu. 

I have a confession. I am a wee bit, um, physically desperate around the holidays. Not in a "I'll sleep with whomever, and lets head out to the bars, and I'll wear a barely there nothing at all shirt.." kinda desperate, but rather a "Wow, he is incredibly gorgeous and so funny and I can't stop looking at his lips right now" kind of thing. Does this make sense or do I just sound like a 14 year old girl looking at a picture of Edward Cullen? because I certainly hope not. That's not how it is. Back to the point- since the moment this boy picked me up for the day, I wanted to kiss him. Not really because I was romantically drawn to him, but rather because I was just so excited that this favorite person of mine was alive, back from Iraq, and doing so well in his life. 

However, I told myself i was a shallow girl who expected the stupidest things out of days and that I should keep a tighter reign on my desires. I also wondered if kissing this boy might mean a long period of akwardness; since he and I have never indulged in such behavior. To be completely honest, I thought he still might think of me as a crazy neive high schooler. ...

But there was a point when he looked me straight in the face and said, "I am kinda honored to be with you right now. All these people are looking at you, saying wow she is gorgeous why is she with him?" to which I was completely stunned...I felt so incredible in that moment. This boy wanted to be with me, at that exact moment. I don't get good feelings like that anymore. 

Long story short, I ended up getting the kiss I wanted from this boy at the end of the night, and it left me smiling for the next 2 hours. The kiss was perfect-slow, soft, and warm. Kissing is my favorite event of life; some people don't see it as a big deal but to me it is purely magical. 

The point of writing this all down isn't to say that I'm in love (which I'm not) or that I found love (which I didn't)  or anything like that- it's to say that Today, a boy that I truly care about made me feel like the single most important, beautiful girl on the planet. He treated me like a princess and made me so completely filled with happiness, I remembered what it was like to feel good on the inside again. Say what you want; that I'm desperate or pathetic or shallow; but the truth is, there is nothing better than spending the whole day with someone you care about, and at the end of it, receiving a perfect kiss. 

the end.