Can you still be in love with someone you haven't seen in a year? I mean, I know that almost sounds like a silly question, but I know that it is on thousands of peoples minds everyday.
And is it really love? Or is it just loving the idea of them?
If they were to stand in front of me right now- would I embrace them and know that this
is what my heart has truly been longing for? Or would I akwardly stand there, staring at them and thinking, "Oh crap....I don't even know what I feel! ...." as the bricks stacked up in my stomach?
These are questions I ask myself every single day. They float in and out of my head subconsciously, almost like small cars driving by aimlessly on the freeway of the paths of my mind.
The scariest question of all is the last one that lingers on my brain...halfway hurting me and stinging that part of my heart that never seemed to mend on its own: Do they still think about me??
For once in my life, I have reached a crossroads in my in-idealistic complex. After one year of facebook stalking-finger on the buttons about to send a late night text-listening to the same Radiohead song over and over again- eating the same flavor of ice cream we once shard- and reading through letters that were once written so beautifully-is it possible that I am in love with this someone without speaking or seeing them for an entire year....or am I just absolutely crazy?
I chose to believe the second. I know, in the cold bitter reality- that this person neither thinks of me nor remembers me. That this person has moved onto great things and devoted themselves to bettering the world by a goodwill-paying-it forward of some sort. But a small part of me, the warm desiring part- wishes more than anything that they still saw my face in their mind when they found themselves alone, missing good life.
I can never be with this person. Despite how much I care for him or wish to smell him of summer once again or see how cute his face is when his nose wrinkles and his eyes light up behind those aviators..despite the red flecks in his hair when the sun hit or the way his laugh always ended softly, as if to say he was completely content with life at that very and present moment- I will never be with him. I have known this since the day i have said goodbye. Yet everyday, especially today, it seems to wake me up. That soft, sad, docile ache that constantly reminds me of my love for him. Its like a tiny splinter that is barely noticeable until you start picking at it....and then....its all you can think about.
I want the best for him. I want him to marry a beautiful girl who loves him more than I ever could and gives him children that scream with delight when he walks in the door from a long day of work. I want happiness in every way for him. I want him to find himself and find that incredible greatness of a God who loves him and will never..ever..let him down.
A wise person once said, "Absence makes the heart grow fonder..."
What a remarkable quote.. because the way I feel....
I know it was..or maybe still is....LOVE.
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