All the bells seem to say, throw your cares away- Christmas is here!

Christmas Eve.I crawled into my most festive undies and pajamas and helped mom bake. I watched a christmas movie and listened to the Home Alone Soundtrack several times before getting into bed and writing this post. It is a mix of slushy-rain falling outside my window and my coca-cola christmas lights that are dangling lazily on my wall make my insides feel warm and comforted. Our small, decorated house smells like caramel and our christmas tree is sparkling quietly with its graceful white lights. I feel just like a little girl again, except I am sleepy tonight- in past Christmas eves' I would lay awake for hours, just staring out my window watching the snow fall, somehow dreaming of what the morning would bring. I smile at the thought of how many millions of children are in their flannel pajamas, sleeping deeply and dreaming of brightly colored boxes, shiny ribbon, and sparkly wrapping paper. 

As I review the past year in my mind, I realize it has been one of my hardest. I have managed to survive 2 broken hearts, a midlife crisis deciding my future, and a complete loss of figuring out who I was becoming as a person.  Tonight, all of

 that past seems so distant. Christmas eve only brings about warm thoughts for me and a soft, glowing outlook that grows brighter every hour of Christmas Day. 

My heart feels as full as the white, brightly light moon over the Christmas sky. 

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night! 

Free Marine Coming Home Cake

Today was actually quite incredible. So much better than I hoped it would be. 

I spent the day, walking yet again, through my favorite city in the world. Only this time, I was walking hand in hand with someone I had not seen in a year; and this someone was making my stomach do flips out of pure excitement. I don't think it was a set of romantic butterflys in my tummy, but rather they were present because this person was actually in my physical, human presence and their smile seemed so real to me in a way I had long forgotten. 

This person treated me like a princess the whole day- and it felt incredible. The idea of being well  appreciated and enjoyed by the opposite sex is a concept very foreign to me at this point in life. I soaked in every minute of its awesome goodness. It was strangely odd- I felt so comfortable with this person, it was like he had never left. Everything was the same and we were having fun together yet again, without a care in the world to who was around us. The waitress at the restaurant even had to come back 3 times to take our order because we kept talking instead of looking at the menu. 

I have a confession. I am a wee bit, um, physically desperate around the holidays. Not in a "I'll sleep with whomever, and lets head out to the bars, and I'll wear a barely there nothing at all shirt.." kinda desperate, but rather a "Wow, he is incredibly gorgeous and so funny and I can't stop looking at his lips right now" kind of thing. Does this make sense or do I just sound like a 14 year old girl looking at a picture of Edward Cullen? because I certainly hope not. That's not how it is. Back to the point- since the moment this boy picked me up for the day, I wanted to kiss him. Not really because I was romantically drawn to him, but rather because I was just so excited that this favorite person of mine was alive, back from Iraq, and doing so well in his life. 

However, I told myself i was a shallow girl who expected the stupidest things out of days and that I should keep a tighter reign on my desires. I also wondered if kissing this boy might mean a long period of akwardness; since he and I have never indulged in such behavior. To be completely honest, I thought he still might think of me as a crazy neive high schooler. ...

But there was a point when he looked me straight in the face and said, "I am kinda honored to be with you right now. All these people are looking at you, saying wow she is gorgeous why is she with him?" to which I was completely stunned...I felt so incredible in that moment. This boy wanted to be with me, at that exact moment. I don't get good feelings like that anymore. 

Long story short, I ended up getting the kiss I wanted from this boy at the end of the night, and it left me smiling for the next 2 hours. The kiss was perfect-slow, soft, and warm. Kissing is my favorite event of life; some people don't see it as a big deal but to me it is purely magical. 

The point of writing this all down isn't to say that I'm in love (which I'm not) or that I found love (which I didn't)  or anything like that- it's to say that Today, a boy that I truly care about made me feel like the single most important, beautiful girl on the planet. He treated me like a princess and made me so completely filled with happiness, I remembered what it was like to feel good on the inside again. Say what you want; that I'm desperate or pathetic or shallow; but the truth is, there is nothing better than spending the whole day with someone you care about, and at the end of it, receiving a perfect kiss. 

the end. 

In the Streets We're Running Free, Just Like It's Only You and Me...

Christmas in Indianapolis. Yet another post on

 how much I love this city. 

Last night I was on Monument Circle and the lights sparkled energetically like glitter nail polish- which was painted on the horses' hooves of course, for tourist entertainment. As I packed myself into the jammed 20 person Starbucks line, I sighed. There were four baristas pouring and steaming milk like madmen, yet they somehow managed to have a smile on their face and a sense of humor in their spirit. I was once again reminded on why I love Starbucks so much- no wait; scratch that; how I love the d

ifferent types of people that work at Starbucks. It's the melting pot of the world, drink wise if you think about it.

 Anyways, getting back to the point- Christmas. I have been feeling pretty down because the Christmas spirit just hasn't grabbed a hold of me yet.T The Christmas carols just weren't quite doing it and even the beautiful, white laced tree sitting boldly in the middle of my living room wasn't as amped as I hoped. But today- finally- Christmas spirit showed itself. I went caroling with some people at a nursing home; and suffice to say the singi

ng definitely wasn't up to par as is beach boys christmas. In fact, it sort of had the resemblance to the really bad "check into cash- we pay you now! jingle" on those awful commercials. However, it completely doesn't matter how it sounded- because the act of it was beautiful. After listening to the likes of Hark the Herald, Have yourself a merry little christmas, and Jingle bells, this adorable old woman gave me a hug and told me that Jesus loved me and she did too. Her eyes were streaming happiness; and I just knew tha

t the Lord definitely shows Himself in everyday life through everyday people. That's what Christmas is about isn't it? Not hot cocoa or warm cashmere sweaters you got 25% at Macys..its about the incredibly beautiful people you meet and the stories that they have--about what happened this year that brought them to this Christmas. As I was strolling downtown, mesmerized by the electricity and excitement in the air, I began to wonder about the people passing me on the sidewalk. What had happened to them this 

year? Where were they last Christmas? are they different or the same because of the actions of this year? Are they happy? 

Being inherently selfish in nature, I began to wonder the same thing myself. Here I was with my commercialized coffee and my Northface coat, yet I wasn't fooling anyone. At least not myself. I definitely was not the same person last Christmas that I am this year. Christmas Eve of 2008 found me at my ex-boyfriends grandparents house, getting teary eyed because they had made me my own stocking for the mantle. Oh, and he got me Tiffanys. We were destined to be together, forever right? Marriage was definitely forthcoming. HA! What nieve fools we are when we choose to see the world as we like it, not as it truly is. Really,

 sometimes there is a comfort in seeing the world as it is, not as it should be- because after all, that's reality. 

I am not bitter. I am hopeful. I am abundantly glad that we aren't together; and that I am not getting married anytime soon. Thank God almighty in heaven. This year, I've learned that you aren't everything you pump yourself out to be. It's possible

 to wake up every day and look in the mirror and not even know yourself. It is only when some tragic event happens- like failing out of nursing school or getting your heart broken by someone you loved all July; per say- to put it all in perspective and show you what you really want in life. Faith. That is what i have learned this year. Believing in something bigger than yourself, and having the courage to be annoyingly uncomfortable while you wait for God to show you what He- the big guy upstairs- is doing. I guess the simplest way to put it is lifting your hand to your mouth to put in what you think is a piece of mint gum, when it actuality is its juicy fruit and you are oddly- yet happily- surprised. You have no idea how it got in your purse, or in your possession for that matter. But it's different, and you acce

pt it. 

Sometimes I get upset that another Christmas has rolled around and love has yet again passed me by. I cover it up by telling myself that "you don't need a man, you are a strong independent woman who doesn't have any time for a 2o-something boys PMS moods." But then the other, quieter voice pokes it head out a little and says, Just wait. You know you do want to fall in love...just wait for the perfect time." Christmas, for some odd reas

on, makes me yearn for love. I see men in long dark coats walking out of Tiffany's and I wish for one second that I was the wife on the other end- celebrating my several years of Christmas with the man I chose to spend forever with. I am a stupid girl. I want to be in love but not actually wait or work for it. How selfish. If I think about it, it is actually a good thing to be love-less around Christmas. I have the overactive tendenc

y to be exaggeratingly excited about a boyfriend. I forget to look around and see all the other blessings I have. This year, however, my mind is occupied by friends and family and the beauty of giving service and caring for those who need it most. While being single is not only annoying but inconvenient as well, it has its beauty. I am starting to see this. 

I have no idea what lead me to write this post. Maybe it was the graceful snow falling outside my window combined with the halo-ish calming

 effect of fleet foxes. I have droned on about lifes situations as seen in sticks of gum and my woes of being single. I guess what I'm really trying to say in all this is that even though things in life hurt or seem hard and you feel as if you are more lost now than you have ever been, Christmas brings a new hope. Christmas wraps itself around you like a long blanket out of the dryer, embracing you to feel that everything is going to be alright- if only for a short season. It looks you head on, and gives you this strong sense of freedom and peace that you haven't felt in a long time. It makes you feel okay about being yourself again, be

cause after all, the Big Man created you exactly how he wanted you to be. He sent his son to save you from all your insecurities and fears, to raise you up and give you a fresh life that no other human alive could have dreamed of. 

And that my friends, is what I call the Christmas Spirit. 

Timely Faithful

Today, the Lord answered my prayer and showed me things that I definitely needed to see. First, my gmal sent me  200 buck check for Christmas, and now i have enough money to cover my IvyTech bill! Secondly, at awana tonight when a little girl came up to me, she recited titus 3:5. We read this at Bible study last night and I love it! How awesome God chose to show it to me again. Also 1 Corinthians 1:1-9. GOD IS GOOD and HE will continue to be faithful!

Sleepy time!

Possibility....

There’s a possibility 

There’s a possibility 

All that I had was all I gon’ get 

There’s a possibility 

There’s a possibility 

All I gon get is gone with your step 

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, 

You’re the only who knows 

Tell me when you hear my silence 

There’s a possibility 

I wouldn’t know 

Know that when you leave 

Know that when you leave 

By blood and by mean 

You walk like a thieve 

By blood and by mean 

I fall when you leave 

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, 

You’re the only who knows 

Tell me when you hear my silence 

There’s a possibility 

I wouldn’t know 

Tell me when my sigh is over 

You’re the reason why I’m close 

Tell me if you hear me falling 

There's a possibility 

It wouldn’t show 

By blood and by mean 

I fall when you leave 

By blood and by mean 

I follow your lead

Possibility by Lykke Li