Today is a sad day.
I woke up- sweating, scared, and completely unrested-from a whole night of nightmares. I saw people dying in front of me, blood smeared on carpet, women screaming for their babies being shot, and lastly- me writing my name on a wall just right before I died. Whenever I have these nightmares- which is often-I am always watching people scream for help and I am simply standing there, legs like concrete, unable to move. I simply cannot help. It feels like hot charcoal sitting in my stomach when i wake up- i feel so bad- its as if i was the murderer myself. When these nightmares started, I asked myself it they were a result of a guilty conscience. However, I have determined that while i make many mistakes daily- the Lord grants me forgiveness everytime I ask. Therefore I do not believe these to be the cause of my awful night terrors. Whenever I wake up from a nightmare- I can't seem to shake it off. i wear it all day like a heavy coat in which the zipper is uncomfortably stuck. Why are these visions of death,destruction, and sadness haunting me? Why is my sleep reserved for situations of pain, crying, and remorse for loved ones? I do not know. I believe all dreams to mean something, so I believe all nightmares to mean something too. Tonight, I will stay awake as long as I can in order to avoid what I know will be another deep sleepful night of genocide & my inability to help the desperate played out before me like a civic folklore....
Lastly, after praying months for someone I care about, I became very discouraged. When I spoke to them they seemed distant, cold, and shut out. I guess I can understand why they would act like this seeing as I have given them reason to examine their beliefs and life values, but i guess, in a way, I was expecting to at least hear what they thought about life. I guess that's asking too much. I know I could have been better to this person- i could have become more vulnerable and not so afraid to put myself out on the line- but like they say, hindsight is 20/20. Although for me, its still somewhat blurry and jaded my thoughts of what could have been instead of what are. Anyways, I guess I just hoped that they would be open to new thoughts and want to explore them- but things really never work out how we hope them too. Now i feel as if this person is angry at me because they believe I have done something i had no right to do. If they do feel this way, then I guess I am sorry for upsetting them, but I am not the least bit sorry for giving them a glimpse of my beliefs in God and thoughts about a life worth living for Him.
For now, I guess I have done all that I can do. What lies in the future is not up to me. I only hope that this person does know that I did, and still do, deeply care for them in such a strong way I doubt they would ever understand. i hope one day they do see that God as the creator of their life-who loves them deeply and wants the best for them- and not some crazy christian item in which "us religious fanatics"put all our lost hopes. I pray the best life for them. And someday, they might know all this. Or maybe not. But I am content however life turns out.
To end all of this darkly sad and somewhat confusing, murkey rambling, I would like to quote the words of a Billy Joel song-
Song is attached to link. Signing off, Rachel.
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