If possible, I am more confused about life today than normal.
So many thoughts keep running through my head- although I should stay staggering, because everytime a thought begins to race, it trips over an ugly grey stumbling block also sitting on the left side of my mind. To relieve a heavy conscious, some people do good works, take a hot shower, or eat alot. I am simply drinking coffee from Bali and listening to Fleet Foxes, since they seem to be singing about something so indescr
ibably beautiful that i could never begin to understand it. And that's what life feels like right now. I feel as if I have done the right thing, yet extremely sad because it was very painful on my heart. I realized my actions, no matter how good they were intended, can be very hurtful and un-loving. That just makes me pissed at myself. But i know i have flaws
that can only be fixed by learning from others and God teaching me from my mistakes. There are so many things about the human emotional life that i find fascinating and complicated. No matter how hard I would try to explain to someone that I care about them, words would never suffice. It's like my mind makes up a second language that is felt deeply, but not able to be uttered in any audible language. I wish this someone could know how i feel about them in another way besides my inadequate words which i fail so greatly to say. I wish this person could know that I believe in them so deeply and that I see them doing incredible things later in their life. This person has such a large fervor for the cause of humanity- its as if he sees the best in people and seeks it out, only to show others the best of himself in the process. That is a rare gift that not many people in this world have...and that's what I was so drawn in.
This day has been spent thinking of memories I have with this person, praying for answers or guidance, and lastly...remembering the first time I met them.
Its hard to explain to someone that you feel so much for them but yet you can't be with them.
For once in my life, i been shown something true ( that God is real and He wants the best for everyone- they just have to believe He exists and take His deliverance in faith- He lets people choose what they want to do, and that is the beauty of it. That last part is a concept lost to so many people who look at Christianity as another means to an end) and I refuse to give up anything for it. I am committed to how I believe I am suppose to be living life..and sadly, that doesn't include this person - at least not right now. How I wish it did. But i know it is for the best....
I guess another thing i am concerned about it that this person walks away thinking that I viewed myself as "better"than them because i found God in a different way that they haven't experienced. That could not be further from the truth. I am flawed in so many ways its unimaginable, yet I know the purpose of living is to serve others, love others, and learn from the people that i meet. I only wish this person would give God a chance to show them who He is. A chance to see that God is not some "holy" thing that people use just to feel comforted and self righteous with abundant answers. He is so incredible. But I can't chose for this person, and I respect this person choosing for themselves- no matter what their choice may be.
I am sitting on the floor in my room, finding it unbelievable that i've had my heart broken twice since February. The first time was somewhat my fault and I should have seen it coming. I accepted treatment that I shouldn't have taken. But the second time, it was no one's fault really. Well, maybe it was mine again. I made the choice that kept me from delving into a relationship I so desperately wanted. It's funny though, even though the first breakup was the result of a year's worth of time, money, and effort, I am more heartbroken about the second. Much more so. My stomach is tied ropes, my eyes sting with wet hotness when I think about it, and that strong, towering wall of emotional stability feels unimaginably weaker.
I guess to end all of these ramblings, which might seem completely incoherent to everyone else but myself, I should say that I am bittersweetly sad. Throughout this whole experience, i have learned what love truly is. It is wishing for that someone to have the best life possible, to be extraordinarily happy, and to be content with knowing that someday, they will be with someone great- even if it's not you, and even if you never get to see this all happen for them. Love is never expecting anything in return. Love is believing that life is still so incredibly good, even when it doesn't turn out how you expected. Love is accepting things that are so immensely difficult and heartachingly painful, and getting up the next morning thanking God that He is still there and that He will never leave. Ever.
I don't know where to go from here. But i do know that this has been one of the most incredibly stretching and painful summers of my life- and i wouldn't change it for the world.....
Time for some more hot coffee and some Coldplay....
Rachel
